Disclaimer: this post is about my personal mental health journey. It is not intended to be an in-depth or all-inclusive summation of suicide.

If you or someone you love has an immediate need, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 9-8-8 or visit https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help.

---

The tragic death of a young celebrity recently ignited rumors about what may have actually happened. Some suggest suicide. This word sparks a plethora of questions, speculations, and theories about why someone would take his or her life and, all too often, those who speculate can be unintentionally critical and cruel.

Granted, some attempt suicide for attention, never intending to actually die. Some do it to punish another. Some do it on a whim fueled by temporary inflamed emotion, drugs, and/or alcohol.

However, most victims of suicide have far more personal, intensely overwhelming struggles that run so deep that all hope seems lost, and death feels like the only way of escape.

Someone who has never known the agony of living with a mental illness can never truly comprehend. Empathize, maybe, but understand? Never.

My suggestion and hope for this celebrity’s fans or for anyone who loves someone with these mental health challenges is to stop trying to make sense of the senseless, and most of all, stop judging and laying blame. Simply love the person, listen when they need or want to talk, and help them find the appropriate help. AND…do not ignore the situation, hoping it will get better on its own. It is better for your loved one to be angry with you than to give in to the helplessness of despair.

Time alone rarely heals wounds. A person with a gunshot wound would never expect the bleeding to stop on its own. Why do we expect our brain to heal on its own? Like the gunshot victim, without the proper help . . . well . . .

My suggestion for anyone who feels that hopelessness of despair: let others in, talk about what you are feeling, get help. Contrary to what our brains tell us, we are not broken or bad or unique. We do not have to, nor should we, fight our demons alone.

I am not now suicidal, but I have had suicidal thoughts in my past. Everyone’s experience is different and everyone’s path to healing looks different. The three things that pulled me through is my faith, my therapist, and my writing. Jesus was my best friend who saved me in the moment. I listened to His voice and let Him get me through the immediate crisis. Then, I told my therapist everything and did the work (with her help) of healing. Writing, either in my prayer journal or in my stories helped me process the pain, see the underlying cause, and get it out of me.

All required a great deal of trust and commitment.

I wrote about my first thoughts of suicide in Chapter Four of my first book, Child Eyes. It was right after my parents announced their divorce. The divorce was not what caused me to want to kill myself. It was simply the final straw that made the load I already carried too heavy to bear. Jesus saved me that night and (spoiler alert) I was brave enough to ask my dad for help and my parents found a therapist for me.

Click HERE for ways to listen to or read Child Eyes.

Then next instance was during COVID. I was already in therapy, but again, the load I carried became too heavy. This time was different, though, in that I went into that deep, dark space because of my therapist.

She pointed out that I spent my life excusing the way other people treated me or made me feel. She challenged me to walk through the pain the next time something happened. So, I did, and I found myself in the scariest place I had ever been. 40-something years of trauma came flooding back and I ended up in a pitch-black haze.

I sat in an empty bathtub because that was the only place I felt safe in the moment. Everything around me went black. I could see nothing but a black hole of overwhelming grief. I could think of nothing else and no one else. There was no way to even consider how killing myself would impact anyone else and no thoughts to the selfishness of suicide. All was darkness and scary. The only way out of that dark and scary place seemed to be suicide.

Then, in the midst of the darkness, I saw what I describe as a pinprick of light. I focused all my energy on that pinprick until the darkness faded and I was back in my body, back in the bathtub, and I could see and hear and feel the world around me again.

That pinprick of light, I have no doubt, was Jesus coming to save me again.

After that incident, I called my therapist for an urgent session because I was scared senseless. Rather than being scared with me, she was proud of me. She explained that I successfully made it through the other side of my pain. She explained that this episode was as bad as it was because it was 40-something years’ worth of bottled-up pain. She assured me that the next time would be easier.

Still, that incident scared me so bad that I was petrified of trying it again. The next time I felt an episode coming, I buried it until I could meet with my therapist. Then, I walked through it under her supervision. She was right. It did get easier with practice. This time, I simply had to walk through the current incident and not a lifetime worth of incidents. I have gotten to where I can walk through it on my own without fear of that black hole. However, sometimes I do wait for her to guide me.

I shared this experience with one of my divinity classes. Click HERE to watch that video. I start talking about this particular experience in greater detail at around minute 11:00.

Getting help is scary, but not nearly as scary as walking that dark and lonesome path alone. The best part about therapy for me is how my therapist normalized so many of the things that I felt ashamed of or embarrassed about. I know not everyone has mental health challenges, but I no longer feel broken or less than.

And that is my hope and prayer for everyone – to feel seen, heard, whole, and worthy.

Again, if you or someone you love has an immediate need, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 9-8-8 or visit https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help.