I write this for those with whom I love who got understandably stuck on the first portion of my previous post – especially those who have experienced the grief and trauma of losing a loved one to suicide.

I hope this post sets their mind at ease.

I hope those reading with mental health issues of their own read this and understand the value of getting help.

I hope those reading who have loved ones with mental health issues are able to understand them just a little bit more.

The kind of thoughts I wrote about in my previous post are fleeting. They are fleeting because I have the tools to work through them.

This is why therapy – and finding the right therapist is paramount to mental health. Successful treatment is as unique as the individual. We must find a therapist who sees us and is able to guide us in ways that work for us.

The therapist I have now is a perfect fit – a Godsend. A lot of my most recent troubles came after Brad’s death and all that COVID thrust upon me. She is well versed in trauma and PTSD. Because I was already in therapy and she had the kind of experience I would soon need, she was able to 1) diagnose me quickly and 2) know enough about me to know how to help me navigate through it.

Therapy is not easy. Sometimes it can be downright scary and painful, but it is vital to a healthy life, a fulfilling life.

Some of the best lessons I have learned from her are:

1. Our issues will manifest themselves one way or another. I have two options. I can choose how to process it or I can ignore it. If I choose how to deal with it, I can walk through it, get past it, and move on. If I choose to ignore it, I will be stuck there – and – it will come out eventually – and – I will have no choice when, where, or how it comes out.
2. Oftentimes, the conscious thoughts or emotions are a cover for the real issue. If we do not get to the root of the problem, we cannot address it and move on.
3. It is important to give those thoughts and emotions room to express themselves, but don’t give them the power to stay. If they are heard, they are less likely to linger and build and explode in unhealthy ways later.
4. Be kind to myself and be honest with others about my needs. Surround myself with people who know me and love me.
5. Just show up.

Prior to my divorce, I was that person who would not touch 1-3. I hid. I locked my emotions away. I have written about that before. All I will say here is that I made a promise to myself back then that I would do the work to change me, no matter how painful. I will not lie. Some moments have been torture. During those worst moments, I called my therapist and we dealt with it immediately. I have had fewer and fewer of those moments since starting therapy again all those years ago.

What has worked for me is:

1. Prayer – God.
2. Writing.
3. Helping others who are dealing with similar issues.
4. Working out.
5. Church.
6. Music.
7. Surprisingly – playing drums again has been extremely therapeutic.
8. Reading.
9. Work.
10. Reruns of favorite shows.

Friends – the right friends – are vital. I know safe people I can share with. I define safe here as people who listen and listen well. People like me will not share our deepest selves with those who like to talk. You know the kind – those who interrupt while you are in the middle of saying something in order to talk about themselves. Those kinds of people (and no offense to talkers) are not interested in us. They are not people we are going to trust. We can be friends with them, but they will never know the deepest parts of us.

I have good friends like that. I know that I can go to them, and they will listen and not judge my quirks.

For example, one of my closest friends knows I take one day a week to do nothing. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything. I need this day to recharge. She was planning a party for her husband on my Sabbath. So, she told me about it in advance and asked me to swap my normal Sabbath with another day. I did.

Another example – a group of friends that I go out with know that I will leave before an event is over because I cannot handle crowds. Large crowds tend to make me extremely anxious. Not all crowds. I can handle most things, but times when people are in a hurry to leave, and bodies crush against one another – like after a concert. They know this about me and don’t bat an eye or make me feel bad for leaving without saying goodbye.

Just show up – this is a big one for me – and another reason to have good friends. When I am in a mood like the one described in my last blog, the worst thing I can do is stay home. I am not lonely or sad being alone most of the time, but when I get in one of those moods, isolation will cause me to spiral into one of those dark and scary places. So, the best thing I can do is just show up. Simply being around people – especially the right people – makes me feel so much better. And, if I am not as sociable as normal, they give me space while continuing to love me. I love that. There is nothing more valuable to me than that.

I also take medication. On most days, I only take half a pill. When I’m starting to feel lower than normal, I’ll take the whole pill. I also have another pill for emergencies if things get really bad. I have only taken it once – the day after Bailey died. That pill is a last resort because it makes me sleepy. I would rather feel the pain and walk through it and move past it, but it is there just in case.

Anyway, these are just some examples of how I deal with the bad stuff. I have other tools that work depending on the situation and intensity of my moods.

The point I want to make here is that, thanks to therapy – and me choosing to do the hard work and making my mental health a priority – I know how to treat those feelings so that they do not linger, so that I can have a happy and healthy and whole life.

I will close with one of my favorite quotes: