I suppose it began on my birthday during my Galveston retreat with God when He revealed to me the extent of my unhappiness. It has lingered even in my safe place – work.
Click HERE to read the post mentioned above.
There is a long underground walkway connecting the building where the main chaplain offices are and the hospital where we work. This tunnel connects two buildings on opposite sides of a very busy 4-lane road in the heart of the medical center. On several occasions over the past few months, I would walk down this hallway, heading back toward the chaplain offices, after a long and wonderful day of work, and sink into that oblivion of depression. (Every day at work, even the tough days, are wonderful because work is the one consistent place and time when I feel whole and healthy and as if I am living out my purpose. It is a time when I am fully and completely outside of myself and focused on the needs and care of someone else.)
I feel joy in the Lord and contentment in my work, but I have felt no real reason for existence – not just mine, but mankind’s in general. No, I was not and am not suicidal, but neither could I see a point to life. And it is not as if I live in a state of utter despair. My normal resting state feels more like I am just there – no real emotions in either direction. The extent of my depressive state is something that, until yesterday, I only shared with God and my therapist. I think it best to share part of my prayer journal from sometime last month to capture how I had been feeling:
I know I’m not happy. I know that I also don’t feel joy – although I know I have joy. I know I would rather die than live, that life has nothing to offer me, that I see no purpose or desire in it. I am not suicidal, but still, I envy those who die – even, if not especially, my (patient name deleted). I see no purpose in human existence, my existence. People often say they are not afraid to die, just not right now. I don’t say anything out loud but I think it – I’m not afraid to die and I would be absolutely okay to die right now. It is very strange to think of the world going on without me in it, but I don’t care all that much. I see no real purpose to it all.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t love your or believe in you (meaning Jesus) or that I plan to take my own life, but if you and I don’t do something, I will slowly kill myself with neglect the way Brad slowly killed himself with alcohol. I don’t want that. As long as I’m going to be here, I want to try. I want to do the work. I want to look and feel good on the inside – and yes, I want it to reflect on the outside. I don’t want to feel ashamed or want to hide because I think I look horrendous. I want to do the hard work, but I’m not really sure what to do. I mean, I am here. I am being honest and giving it to you. But I need your help with the consistency. To make better choices as the day goes on and to get up and do it all again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that – to make this a routine.
But here’s the real crutch. I know it won’t stick until we deal with the root cause. I have root rot but I have no idea where or how to dig it out. This is where you come in. What is causing the root rot and how do I safely and effectively deal with it?
Why am I writing about something this personal?
Because something happened. Nothing short of a miracle – an answer to that prayer – pulled me out of a vicious cycle of emotional depravity.
I will not bore my readers with all the details, but it started with internal reflection and ended with an excitement and a feeling of purpose that I have not experienced in a very long time. I feel like I am awaking to destiny, that this dreamer will finally get her chance to become a doer. I feel like I am alive again, like I am one lucky broken hot mess that gets to ride along and be part of something truly amazing, God directed, and life altering – one of those incredible, unbelievable true stories that end up in the history books as a pivotal moment in history, something movies are made of. I get to be part of change . . . real, lasting, meaningful change.
All because a group of misfits decided to say yes.
As our church, created by those called by God to do something different, all of us victims of church hurt, decided to start talking about growth, we came to realize that we cannot and will not grow until we clean house.
We realized that we all have baggage that we had to unpack, relationships that needed to be healed before we could grow. None of us doubted our original call, but we were stuck, stagnant, and had work to do.
In the process of these talks, the core group decided that we needed to fast and pray. We also felt called to forgo our usual scheduled service and meet in our pastor’s home for a time of prayer and worship. It turned into a time of repentance and healing. We were real. We were vulnerable. We cried, we shared, we loved, talked, and prayed.
We wanted God to give all of us a unanimous answer to our prayer and fasting question. He answered us in different ways, but the answer was unanimous: Do you trust me? Are the words you sing, the message you preach just words, or do you truly believe them? Do you trust me enough to tear off the roof?
We all agreed – we are incredibly terrified of what our yes will mean, but we are unanimously eager to jump into the deep end, without a life vest, safety net, or any idea where this will lead – simply knowing He told us the time is now, jump out of the plane, rip the chord, and watch Him do His thing through us.
I shared how a prayer from the pastor from my home church in Nashville shook me to my core. He concluded this Sunday’s service with something like, “and for those watching online, I pray you can release the remnants of the past and embrace the future He has in store for you.” Thank you, Pastor Ulmet and NFCN. I’m sure you had no idea a group of outsiders in San Antonio needed those words on that very same day.
So, what is so absolutely and beautifully terrifying and exciting all in one?
We found a building that checks all our boxes and will allow us to turn all the dreams we had when we started OCC into realities.
What’s so scary about that?
We do not now, nor will we, without help, have the resources in both money and people to make it happen. This is where we have been told to trust Him – to tear off the roof and put our belief into action.
OCC – Ordinary Community Church – strange name, but we wanted something that stood for who we are: Ordinary people serving an extraordinary God.
Up until now, we have been ordinary people (church-as-usual outsiders) doing small things for His glory, but we have not been worshipping and acting and working as if we truly believed He is extraordinary.
Now, we have been tasked to do something that we, in our human power, cannot achieve. That is the point. As long as we can accomplish this in our own power with our own resources, 1) we will never get beyond where we are now and 2) the glory can never truly be His.
So, what’s so special about this building?
OCC set out to be of service to our community. We want to take what the church universal claims to be and actually be that kind of place and people – to walk the walk of Jesus in our own time and in our own community. This is something that has been lost in recent history, especially in western cultures where the lines of religion and politics get blurred.
My dream, since the days I left Nashville, (and NFCN) was to start something similar here to what we had there. I want to serve our homeless and low-income individuals and families:
- Clothing pantry
- Food pantry/serve meals
- Have a place where people can wash their clothes and take a shower
- Host recovery classes
- Finally start House to Home (H2H SA) – a program begun by my friends in Nashville that provides furniture and other necessities for homeless individuals who obtain housing.
This place is not your traditional church building. It is a warehouse facility housed right next to a homeless camp and within walking distance to section 8 housing. It has multiple rooms to accommodate all the above with room for growth and is already equipped with AC for our hot Texas summers.
There is also a giant storage space attached which could accommodate storage for my H2H dream and could also be a place to set up a basketball half court or other indoor sporting options – a dream of another member of our group – a young man with a call to ministry who is also a victim of church hurt.
Here’s my dilemma:
In order for us to be able to afford this space with just the core group we have now, we would need to sublet the storage facility, something I do not want to have to do.
People who know me well know that I am a dreamer. I can dream big, but implementing dreams has never been my strong suit.
This dream, though, and being this close to making it a reality, revived something in me, something that had felt dead for a whole lot of years, something I feared may be dead forever. I am dreaming big, gigantic dreams. I am allowing myself to get super excited about all of it.
That is not like me. The difference this time is that I believe in it because I believe in the ONE who has called us to it. It’s not just up to me to make it a reality. It’s not even up to the small core of OCC faithful. God’s got this. It’s going to happen. I can feel it in my bones.
I asked the team to hold off on subletting for a time so that I can do something else out of my comfort zone. I am not one to ask for a handout. I have plenty of old Texas pride in me that it feels too humiliating to ask for help. I feel like enough of a mooch in my personal life. Being single, childless, and living a life in ministry, I have had to rely on my parents more than I would like to admit. At almost 50 years old, I would rather be more independent. I am poor, but proud.
But I believe so deeply in this that I am setting aside my pride. This isn’t about me. If it were, I would never have the courage to venture with this next step, but this is so much bigger than me. I am simply all in and eager to get my hands dirty doing some real work.
I am asking for your investment. If you already tithe to a church or give to a charitable organization, I do not want you to pull any money away from that. What I will ask is that if you have any extra at the end of the month, consider making a gift to OCC.
If you do not have a church home that receives your tithes or a favorite charitable organization, I ask that you consider tithing or donating to OCC. We are a recognized nonprofit and your gifts are tax deductible. You will be assisting in paying for much more than just a building. You will be a part of something truly different and amazing.
We don’t care if you believe in Jesus or not. Well, that is not quite true. Of course we care. We want the world to know the amazing God we serve and to have the kind of relationship with Him that we have and to experience the kind of mercy and grace and love that we have experienced in Him. What I mean is that you do not have to join our church to join the cause. All we ask is that you believe in what we are aiming to do within our community. Anyone can donate, and anyone can volunteer. If you believe in our mission, we welcome you.
Jesus loves us all, and as people who want to be His hands and feet, so do we.
Please consider a monthly donation or, if you are local, consider volunteering with us. If you have something in mind that you would like to do, reach out and let’s see what we can make happen.
And if you would like to join us on any given Sunday, we will welcome you. Come as you are. You will see that we do church differently at OCC.
Dream big – for others.
Also, please consider forwarding this to friends and family. OCC is out to change the world by spreading the love of Jesus.
It’s time. Our world needs His love more than ever right now.
Ordinary Community Church – Ordinary people serving and Extraordinary God (ordinarycc.church)
TRA.Perspective 
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