I planned this retreat for this week specifically so that it would conclude on my birthday. Only God knew how much I would need this trip at exactly this time in my life.

Ever since I had cancer, I elected to spend my birthdays doing something I have never done before or something that scared me. For the first couple of years, it simply entailed trying new foods.

The past few years, though, I have gotten lazy . . . and chicken.

Two years ago, I justified working on my birthday and doing nothing else by telling myself that I never worked in that hospital on my birthday before – something new.

Last year, I had half-hearted intentions to go to the Snake Farm by my house and let them put a big boa around my neck. I chickened out and got a two-hour massage instead – which included cupping, something new.

This year, I needed something more adventurous. I had made up my mind that I was going to do something that was both new and scary. I made arrangements to go skydiving. What better time and what better place than on my birthday over the ocean?

I love to fly and am not afraid of death – but I am afraid of heights, and I am afraid of dying. I was just as excited as I was terrified. I needed this, though, and only an act of God would prevent it.

Well, I received a phone call early in the morning – an act of God was prohibiting my tandem jump. The man on the other end of the line quite succinctly explained why jumping out of an airplane with this wind would not be safe.

I admit, I felt just as much relief as I felt regret.

So, I left it to God to find me another adventure that I would love. Whatever it would be would likely not scare me, but it had to be something exciting and new.

He didn’t let me down. He found me something I have been dreaming about for years, but never had the time or money. I have been saving for my skydiving adventure and I had the time.

Unfortunately, my biplane cruise over the beaches of Galveston was postponed – and then cancelled. Once again, the winds fought against my skyward adventures.

Heavy winds meant no chance for a helicopter tour.

I saw zero fishermen out on the pier.

When I went to the fisheries laboratory for a free tour of the sea turtle habitat and rehabilitation center, I was informed that the turtles they had were released back into the wild and the program was shut down a while back due to insufficient funding. Good for those turtles, bummer for that program – and bummer for me.

I drove around historical downtown Galveston, thinking and looking for something new to do, but could think of nothing I have not already done or had an interest in doing.

I did drive by the cruise dock and got to see a Disney and Norwegian cruise ship up close. Wow! Those suckers are huge! Maybe a cruise wouldn’t be so horrible after all, especially if I could have an exterior room.

I drove by the supposed haunted Tremont House hotel, but it did not look all that impressive – or scary from the outside.

I tried to find the Robert Durst murder house but had no luck.

I thought about a polar plunge in the ocean, but that did not seem all that appealing or smart, especially since the currents are so strong and I am not a strong swimmer.

As I drove back to the condo, I had to laugh at all my failed attempts. I tried so hard to do something different this year, but yet again, I had to make a stretch – I managed to do something different, but not scary:

I have never been to the beach in the winter.

At least I tried and wasn’t being lazy about it.

Overall, though, I’m fine with that. I actually had a good time trying and failing to make plans. I enjoyed my last walk on the beach.

And . . . I will soon be heading to Houston to join my sister and her family for dinner to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. He is, after all, the best birthday present I have ever received, and I cannot think of a better way to spend the rest of my birthday.

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Written after skydive plans were cancelled but before biplane planes ere cancelled:

Since my first plans got cancelled and my second plans got postponed until later in the afternoon (when the winds would hopefully settle down), I went for one last walk along the beach.

Although not as cold as day one, the wind was no joke, pushing me around as I walked. Still, minus the sand blowing in my eyes, the sights and smells of the ocean filled me, once again, with peace.

And . . . she left gifts for me along my path. I sought that illusive sand dollar or sea glass for my nephew, who shares the same birthdate as me. Instead, I found oodles of these gems washed ashore by last night’s storm. Even though I tend to leave in-tact seashells for those who collect to sell or simply collect for fun, I decided to bring these rare beauties home with me as gifts – and two for me (one for work and one for home) to remind me of this trip – and my lesson to slow down.

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Portions of my prayer journal about today’s (mis)adventure:

January 11, 2024

Then I had a bit of a morbid thought. What if tomorrow happens? What if everything works out and I’m able to jump? I watched the video, read and signed the waivers. I didn’t need all that to know that with this adventure, I am taking a risk. People do get injured or even die. What if I’m one of the ones who dies? It’s not like I have a death wish. I don’t. I really don’t.

But I have to do this. I can’t explain why. I simply need this. I need to conquer this fear, to know I can do anything. If I can overcome this big fear, I can overcome all the daily little fears. I mean, I don’t really feel afraid of anything. I don’t fear death, but falling to my death and going splat – that’s a scary thing to imagine. But if everything goes the way it should, free falling, experiencing flight, seeing the ocean from above like that.

My favorite superhero is Superman because he can fly. I love birds because they can fly. My dream, if I had the money, would be to learn how to fly. One of my favorite song lyrics is from Bon Jovi’s Learn to Love: “When you’re born without wings, all you dream of, all you want is that feeling of flying, of rising and climbing.”

This will be the closest I ever come to being able to fly. I have been afraid of trying for so long – many years I simply would not even consider it. Now, why now? I don’t know, but I have to try.

Like the These Days lyrics: “Jimmy Shoes, he busted both his legs trying to learn to fly. From a second story window, he just jumped and closed his eyes. His momma said he was crazy. He said, ‘Momma, I’ve got to try. Don’t you know that all my heroes died? And I guess I’d rather die than f-f-fade away.’”

At least I will be doing it safely, with trained professionals, attached to a trained professional. Still, there is risk. Humans were not made to fly.

Anyway, I thought what would I want to do if this were going to be my last day alive? The answer? This. Exactly what I am doing right in this moment. Sit here and enjoy the ocean. My family knows I love them. I have lived a fulfilling life of purpose. I do believe I have made a difference. I have made amends, at least to the best of my ability, for the few regrets I do have. Ray Ray is already with dad and even though he’s not a pet person, he would make sure she was properly cared for. If he didn’t, mom sure would.

I never did become that beloved classical novelist who tortured high school and college students because I was required reading in their classes, but that would never happen in my lifetime anyway. Dostoyevsky was a joke in his day, not taken seriously by the literature elite. So, there is still hope for me whether I live or die.

Morbid, I know, but I feel at peace – in this moment and with my life. So, I have you to thank for that.

So, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. The weather may stifle my plans, everything may go perfectly and I’ll have a great story to share, or I may end up spending my first birthday with you – really with you. Only you know. But I trust you and what you have planned for me. All I know is that, if the weather permits, I have to go through with this. So, I leave it up to you.

January 12, 2024

Well, I got the call early this morning. I woke up early and came to try to sleep on the couch, but I couldn’t sleep for anticipation. When I first got up, the skies were calm. The waves were not, but the skies were. Then, the wind progressively picked up. It still didn’t seem too terrible, and who knows what it will be in a few hours. But the call came. He sounded young and attractive – and extremely friendly. He explained why it would be too windy to attempt a jump today, how the winds would be worse higher up and the ride we would end up on if we attempted a jump.

No jump today.

I am torn between relieved and disappointed. I will admit, as eager as I have been leading up to today, this morning, I partially hoped it would get cancelled – that you would intervene somehow – because there was no way I was going to be the one to back down. I was going to follow through with this no matter what.

It’s kind of like why I went back to Belmont after my first failed attempt. I had to prove to myself that I could do it.

He said my deposit is good for as long as he is in business – so I will be back – I have to come back – I have to prove to myself that I can do it.

Just not today.

I cannot think of anything that would terrify me as much as jumping out of an airplane – except maybe the snake idea I chickened out of last year or signing up for online dating. I will NOT sign up for online dating and I don’t know if there is a place where I can hold a snake around here. There probably is, but I’m going to stick with something I’ve never done before.

I wonder if it’s too windy for a helicopter ride around the city? If so, I wonder if any of the fishermen would teach me how to fish – and keep whatever I catch? I’ve been with people who fish, but never done it myself. What’s the point? I don’t believe in fishing for sport and I don’t like to eat fish so . . . but if I can convince one of these men to teach me, they can keep anything I may catch . . . or I could give the catch to my pelican friends. 😊

Dad, since you didn’t let the wind cooperate with my plans today, I assume there is a reason you didn’t want me jumping out of an airplane today. So, I leave it to you to lead me to another fun adventure today.