As I floated in the pool, tanning under the sweltering 107-degree-cloudless-Texas-summer-sun, I splashed water on my baking legs, and solemnly thought, “I’m boooreeed.”

Then, as if chiding me, a voice in the back of my head reminded me of the years I spent praying for such a day. “What I wouldn’t give for a hum-drum day,” I often prayed. Well, here is my long-awaited answer to prayer.

I smiled and tried to enjoy the monotony of a do-nothing day.

I shared this with my therapist before catching her up on the excitement since we last spoke – my trip to Houston and my impromptu Astros game before getting board certified, coming home and having my RV blow up (exaggeration – only the wire connecting the RV to the electrical outlet blew up), followed by finally getting offered that coveted full-time position – all the wins I desperately needed after a long, lonely, and bitter ride.

Then, I shared my most recent let-down and revelation. The military, it seems, is a bust (again), and it looks like I will not be going on to get my Ph.D. (at least, not now). I shared my frustration, revelations, and peace with these new decisions.

I thought I found the perfect Ph.D. program that would combine theology with psychology focusing on trauma care. I prayed about it and thought God gave me the green light. I waited until August 1, the day application season began. By August 2, this dream was dashed. It seems that my 1st master’s degree in social work would not suffice as an “acceptable equivalent.” If I were to pursue this route, I would have to take additional classes before I could enroll in the program, which would delay me at least one more year, something I was not inclined to do.

As I read that heartbreaking response to my inquiry, my disappointment was quickly followed by an odd sense of peace, as if my body was exhaling. For three days prior to receiving this sad news, I had been feeling sick. A stomachache followed by chest pains struck around the same time each day. I debated whether or not to get checked out – heart or anxiety? If anxiety, about what? The immediate withdrawal of symptoms gave me my answer – anxiety. Still, about what?

That answer came quickly as well.

I heard my sister’s recent question to me, “Why?” She wanted to know why I wanted to get my Ph.D. It was not a curt question. Rather, she asked in love, genuinely curious about my plans. “Because I want to teach at the university level,” I answered. Same answer as always.

But then a new realization came to me – a few new realizations:

I didn’t just want to be a university professor. I wanted to teach at my alma matter, Belmont University. However, my dream of one day returning to Belmont died last summer when I visited for a conference. I quickly realized that Belmont – and Nashville – were my past and not my future. There were too many ghosts living there.

So, if teaching at Belmont was no longer a dream, was teaching anywhere still a dream? Yes. I love to teach, but I have always loved nontraditional teaching – my women’s self-defense classes, CPR classes – none of which require a Ph.D. I can still teach in nontraditional ways – as a CPE supervisor or adjunct professor or as a mentor.

I thought back to the underlying reasons for wanting to join the military or go all the way with my education:

Chasing a childhood need to be seen, heard, respected. I felt passed over so often as a child. I craved love and respect and, without realizing it, I made up my mind that being part of the military or earning the highest degree would give me the love and respect I craved. (The adult equivalent of my childhood dream to become a rock star.)

This led to me thinking about my parents and my extended family:

I come from a long line of military members. I wanted to be part of that great legacy. And when it looked like I would finally get in as a military chaplain, my dad seemed so thrilled. It made me happy to see him so happy and proud.

I remember long before college was even on the horizon, my mom predicting that I would be the one to go all the way with my education. I would be the first in the family to get a Ph.D. It would make her so happy and proud if I finally achieved her wish for me.

But I realized the fallacy of my subconscious thinking. No amount of letters or titles behind my name would make my parents love me any more or any less. No amount of letters or titles behind my name would make any of my friends or family love me any more or any less.

I am enough.

“Then what now?” I wanted to know from God. If the military and Ph.D. are no longer on the table, what do I do with myself now that I am done with school? As I wrote in my prayer journal the day before my therapy session, I have this wanderlust inside of me, waiting for my next adventure. I fully expected that, after graduating from NTS with my 2nd master’s degree, I would be moving on. So, if I am not moving on in one of the ways I expected, where do I go from here?

The wonderful thing about God is that, in the words of the prophet Jeremiah, “you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart” (verses 13-14).

I sought and he answered:

“Focus on your writing and enjoy playing the drums again,” God suggested.

I had recently been asked if I was ready to play in front of people again and I said absolutely not. Right now, playing is for me, for fun – and it is a lot more fun and relaxing now that I am playing for the fun of it and not because I am hoping to make a living at it one day.

“Stop working so hard to feed your head. Rest. Take this time to feed your soul.”

I shared all this with my therapist. During a pause in our conversation, she said, “I feel the Holy Spirit wants me to tell you that you are enough.”

I laughed to myself, not because of what she said, or because God had already told me that, but because a friend and I saw Barbie the day it came out – KENOUGH was all I could think about.

I carried all of this with me to church – Community Bible Church. I heard God’s voice loud and clear once again.

STAY.

I have had those kinds of God-erventions before, but they never cease to blow me away. They are those rare moments when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am hearing a direct word from God for me. It is wonderfully eerie. This was one of those moments.

“What’s my next adventure?” I had asked.

“You are living it right now in the hum-drum of your daily life. Enjoy your job. Enjoy your hobbies. Feed your soul,” God answered.

STAY.

I left church and remembered my friend’s text from last night. She told her husband about my decision to not get my doctorate.

He replied, “She is Re-nough.”

STAY.